The other day my daughter asked me a question that many people are asked or ask themselves. Her question was, "If you could go back and change things, would you?". My answer, as has always been my answer, is no. The events of the past have brought me to where I am now and made me who I am today. I am very happy with where I am in life and who I am.
As I thought a little bit more though about the question, I rephrased it in my mind to this, "If you were 20 and knew everything that would happen to you by the time you were 50, would your 20 year old self change anything?". If I were honest with myself, I would have to answer with a resounding YES. My 50 year old self today would not change the past, but my 20 year old self would change the future. Let me explain.
When I was 20, I was pretty much in control of my life. I was nearing the end of college and preparing for my future in systems development. I am sure to the outside world that I appeared to be confident and sure of my path, but the truth is that I really wasn't. What had happened to me is that I had been living my life for everyone except me. This was due, I believe today as a 50+ year old man, in large part as a means of not to having to deal with the emotional rollercoaster that was a large part of my childhood. In other words, I was a people pleaser, because then I would not make anyone mad or start a huge fight or dissention in the family. As a result, I left my own desires and emotions pushed deep into a box and did the things I was "supposed" to do.
Honestly, It wasn't until I was reaching my late 30s that I started to realize that I was not truly in touch with myself in many ways. I did not have any true depth to my emotions. I did not truly recognize my inner desires and inner thoughts. As I started on this path of self actualization, I also realized that there were some things that needed to change. These changes caused pain, but in the way that a cancer sometimes needs to be cut out of your body so that you can heal, I too needed to cut some things out of my life to correct the course that my life had taken. Over the next few years, I made those changes. It was not always easy - in fact, at times it was downright painful because now it was no longer just me that was impacted. Looking back, I realize that I made the right choices, in spite of the painful moments.
If my 20 year old self could see these things and have the knowledge and the means to correct this long before I reached my 30s and 40s, then I would most definitely have done it. Would it mean my life would be drastically different? I think it would. Would it mean that I would not have to struggle or face difficult situations? No, I would still have challenges to face. Would it mean my family and friends might be significantly different? Probably so. Yet, would I still change the future when I was 20, if I had the knowledge of what my life would end up like on one particular path? Yes. If I could get to the place where I am today sooner and with less hardship, then I would jump at that chance. There would be much that would change and there would be much that would be the same, but then that is what life is all about. Choices and Change.
It is a strange thought to realize that if you had the power to change the future, then you really would do it. I can imagine that many people would not do it, they simply would not be ready or willing to face and unknown alternative to a life they already knew would happen. So I wonder, if more people are out there that think the same thing?
Of course, if my 50 years old self could know the things that my 80 year old self will know, would I do something now to change the future? Perhaps I would, but then again, maybe the future is even better than today, so maybe not. The only thing I can do now is live the best life I can and make each day better than the last. I think I just found a new credo.
You are invited play in my playground. Leave a comment, even if it is an opposing opinion, but play nice.
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